Pittsburgh

Conquering Pittsburgh

July 19-23, 2007

Thursday:

Once Ross arrived on Thursday, Mama and I picked him up from the airport, and it was a waiting game until Vilas arrived. Apparently, Mama decided part of that waiting game was charades. At the end of our wings dinner at Quaker Steak & Lube, she whipped out some hand-spinning gesture as she announced to us “I’m gonna get this wrapped up.” After asking WTF she was doing, Ross and I encouraged her to signal the waiter and spin her hands at her food, the universal sign for “can I get this wrapped up?” Disappointingly, she opted for the verbal approach.

Navigating the parking lots of the surrounding shopping center area proved to be a formidable challenge. Highlights included a few “it’s so ass-backwards and confusing” utterances from Mama, as well as one U-turn. Luckily, Ross saved the day by guiding us through the maze, ending each instruction with “and then you make a U-turn.”

By some miracle we made it to Target to complete our mission of finding high-performance water guns for Saturday’s looming battle. Our weapons of choice were the Arctic Blast (product description: “Why settle for soaking someone, when you can freeze them? The Aqua Shock Arctic Blast shoots regular streams of water, or can release a massive stream of freezing cold water from a special second tank!”) and the Aqua Shock Sneak Attack (with a nozzle that can be turned to four different attack modes—high powered stream, fan blast, left side sneak attack and right side sneak attack).

Arctic Blast

Sneak Attack

We also bought a two-pack of lower-grade SuperSoakers for Kristin and Xavier—nothing like sabotaging your opponents with old technology!

By the time we left Target, it was pouring, so Mama sent Ross out into the parking lot to retrieve the car and pick us up. Like a true gentleman, he jogged to the car, got in, and sped away in the opposite direction. I promptly texted “asshole” to a stranger when I sent the message to his old cell number. He spent the next 10 minutes weaving in and out of parking lots, and when he finally pulled around the pick us up, he explained, “These parking lots are just so CONFUSING!”

Since Vilas’s flight was delayed and not getting in till 1 a.m., we went to the one place we knew we could count on to be open—McDonald’s. Once inside, we admired our SuperSoakers and made up quotes for people on the boxes. When that got old, Ross presented me with some very special gifts—placemats to teach me addition, handwriting, how to count money, and how to tell time.

We also had sparkling conversation, such as a discussion on which airports we like/dislike. “Pittsburgh’s airport is okay,” Mama said at one point. “At least it’s not like—[here she scrunched up her face in disgust and lunged at us passionately, as we flinched]—BOSTON.”

When it was time to head to the airport to pick up Vilas, we weren’t quite sure what to expect of the late-night airport crowd. Mama had regaled us with stories from a prior 2 a.m. trip to the airport, in which it was deserted, except for airport employees who “would just talk your arm off!” (Given Mama’s tendency to grab at people as she talks to them, we could see why this version of the expression didn’t sound odd to her). Mama had also mentioned how she’d felt a little unsafe when the airport had been so deserted, so when we entered the airport we were happy to see that the waiting areas were in fact full. Nevertheless, when Ross got up to use the bathroom, he paused at the door to suspiciously look in all directions and down an adjacent hallway. (He also wiped his brow in relief a few minutes later, when he emerged from the bathroom unscathed.)

Vilas FINALLY arrived, and Mama’s tour of Pittsburgh on the way home included factoids such as, “There’s a bridge coming up—oh, not a bridge, I mean, but a tunnel.” So of course Ross and Vilas enthusiastically misidentified every bridge and tunnel we passed.

When we reached the house, it was time to do a few “dry runs” (heh heh) with our water guns on the back porch. This involved Ross walking up behind Mama and poofing out her hair with his Arctic Blast as she was trying to tell us about the deer in the back yard, and Vilas showing off the laser feature on the SuperSoaker he brought (a focused red dot at close range, to really help you zero in on your target; at a distance, a general red glow that announced, “Attention enemies! Here I am!”) Eventually, Mama bid us goodnight with the following exchange:

Mama: I’m so glad you stupid boys are here.

Vilas: Duuuuurrrrr!

Friday:

I have a vague recollection of waking up to Vilas throwing his arm over me, hearing an indignant “I’m getting’ nothin’!” and falling back asleep. But once we were all awake, Mama wasted no time teaching the boys how to shoot the BB gun off the back deck. She also kept telling us we should go to the parks near the house—apparently there was more than one, and they were right next to each other, so we just started calling it “Million Parks Park.” We played catch and hit softballs around for a while. During my turn as pitcher, I threw one that soared far above Vilas’s head, prompting Ross to shout, “Swing, Gigantor!” After softball, we played on the swings and cavalierly went down the slide head-first (I got a friction burn on my wrist, but that’s just one of the hazards of living life on the edge).

When we got home, we gathered around the table for a BBQ dinner. More specifically, Ross and Vilas gathered around ME—being the last to sit down, I got to sit in the folding chair at the corner of the table, and was slowly squeezed out from either side. We also had insightful discussions such as:

Mama: Women are better at multitasking.

Vilas: Sorry, what? I was busy chewing.

Other than that, we were excitedly preparing for Kristin and Xavier’s arrival. At one point, Mama joined Vilas and Ross in the basement and, hand on hip, mused, “You know what I am….?” Ross guessed, “a teapot?” But Mama was too busy completing the sentence in her head to confirm whether Ross had guessed correctly.

We picked up Kristin and Xavier around midnight, and after an exciting demo of the SuperSoakers, we all headed off the bed to rest up for Soakfest 2007.

Saturday:

I remembered how much I’d missed Kristin when she told me about a recent work incident in which someone on the phone promised to ship her something that would arrive in what sounded to Kristin like “5 million days.” Apparently the conversation when something like this:

Kristin: Isn’t that a long time?

Man on phone: It’s pretty standard. So you should have it sometime next week.

Kristin: Wait—how long did you say it would take?

Man: 5 mailing days.

Kristin: OH! I thought you said 5 million days. I was worried my office might not even be at this address any more!

Man: You wouldn’t even be alive in 5 million days.

Kristin: How many years is that?

Man: I dunno, you do the math.

Kristin: Can you? Because clearly, I can’t…

In other news, Soakfest 2007 was a resounding success—like a bloodbath, but with water.

Kristin and I pretty much got drenched, despite Mama coming to our defense with the garden hose (a maneuver which, unfortunately, backfired).

A contributing factor to our demise may have been brilliant ideas like Kristin announcing, “Hey guys, there’s a wasp on the hose, come help me get it off.” Of course I was the only one who didn’t recognize this as an intended trap, and bounded down to help out my teammate. Since there really was a wasp on the hose, Xavier reluctantly made his way down to help Kristin refill her gun. As soon as Xavier got rid of the wasp and turned the knob, Kristin defiantly pointed the hose at him. Water trickled out for a second before Xavier casually turned the knob back off.

After all our hard work on the battlefield, we relaxed for the rest of the evening. Exciting highlights included me wandering into my bedroom, grabbing something, turning around to exit and nearly bumping into Ross, who was wandering around looking for something to do. He announced jokingly, “Just thought I’d follow you in here!” and started shadowing me as I walked back down the hall, annoyingly asking, “Where we goin’ now, Jessi?”

Vilas and Ross also entertained themselves with such pasttimes as hiding Mama’s cigarettes and adding paprika to her coke when she wasn’t looking.

Sunday:

We met up with Kristin’s cousin for brunch in Pittsburgh, which brought our number of excursions into Pittsburgh to a grand total of one. As we were piling into the car, Xavi looked at Kristin and exclaimed, “Goober!” We congratulated Kristin on making sure he knows all the important English vocab.

During brunch, I made the mistake of leaving my drink unattended when I went to the bathroom, and came back to sip and immediately spit out Equal-sweetened water. I had to ask the waitress for a new water—she seemed concerned and asked what was wrong with my near-full glass, so I explained that I frequently befriend morons.

After brunch, we took Kristin and Xavi to the airport and returned home to hang out with the ‘rents and watch the MST3K movie “Space Mutiny,” which was AWESOME.

Monday:

Monday morning, Mama drove us to the airport, and to repay her kindness we conversed only in “mrmr” talk, substituting r’s for all our vowels (this was inspired by an incident in Guatemala in which Mama, Ross and I were eating together, and Mama, addressing me with her mouth full, pronounced “Baby” as “Brrrby”). We also were not at all annoying in repeatedly pronouncing the “burgh” in Pittsburgh like “Edinburgh.” (“Well Mama, thanks for inviting us to Pittsburrah!”) At the airport, when Mama hugged us goodbye, Ross picked her up and then handed her to me, up on the curb, saying, “here, take this.” But Ross and Vilas did leave their mark on Pittsburrah, in the form of one cigarette that has not yet been found….

Also, it should be noted that Mrmr talk seeped into official language on Monday, when Ross told the security officer, "Hrrr yrr gr," as he handed her his ID and boarding pass, and said "thrnks" when she waved him on…..like the true grntlrmrn that he is.