Pittsburgh

Conquering Pittsburgh

July 19-23, 2007

Thursday:

Once Ross arrived on Thursday, Mama and I picked him up from the airport, and it was a waiting game until Vilas arrived. Apparently, Mama decided part of that waiting game was charades. At the end of our wings dinner at Quaker Steak & Lube, she whipped out some hand-spinning gesture as she announced to us “I’m gonna get this wrapped up.” After asking WTF she was doing, Ross and I encouraged her to signal the waiter and spin her hands at her food, the universal sign for “can I get this wrapped up?” Disappointingly, she opted for the verbal approach.

Navigating the parking lots of the surrounding shopping center area proved to be a formidable challenge. Highlights included a few “it’s so ass-backwards and confusing” utterances from Mama, as well as one U-turn. Luckily, Ross saved the day by guiding us through the maze, ending each instruction with “and then you make a U-turn.”

By some miracle we made it to Target to complete our mission of finding high-performance water guns for Saturday’s looming battle. Our weapons of choice were the Arctic Blast (product description: “Why settle for soaking someone, when you can freeze them? The Aqua Shock Arctic Blast shoots regular streams of water, or can release a massive stream of freezing cold water from a special second tank!”) and the Aqua Shock Sneak Attack (with a nozzle that can be turned to four different attack modes—high powered stream, fan blast, left side sneak attack and right side sneak attack).

Arctic Blast

Sneak Attack

We also bought a two-pack of lower-grade SuperSoakers for Kristin and Xavier—nothing like sabotaging your opponents with old technology!

By the time we left Target, it was pouring, so Mama sent Ross out into the parking lot to retrieve the car and pick us up. Like a true gentleman, he jogged to the car, got in, and sped away in the opposite direction. I promptly texted “asshole” to a stranger when I sent the message to his old cell number. He spent the next 10 minutes weaving in and out of parking lots, and when he finally pulled around the pick us up, he explained, “These parking lots are just so CONFUSING!”

Since Vilas’s flight was delayed and not getting in till 1 a.m., we went to the one place we knew we could count on to be open—McDonald’s. Once inside, we admired our SuperSoakers and made up quotes for people on the boxes. When that got old, Ross presented me with some very special gifts—placemats to teach me addition, handwriting, how to count money, and how to tell time.

We also had sparkling conversation, such as a discussion on which airports we like/dislike. “Pittsburgh’s airport is okay,” Mama said at one point. “At least it’s not like—[here she scrunched up her face in disgust and lunged at us passionately, as we flinched]—BOSTON.”

When it was time to head to the airport to pick up Vilas, we weren’t quite sure what to expect of the late-night airport crowd. Mama had regaled us with stories from a prior 2 a.m. trip to the airport, in which it was deserted, except for airport employees who “would just talk your arm off!” (Given Mama’s tendency to grab at people as she talks to them, we could see why this version of the expression didn’t sound odd to her). Mama had also mentioned how she’d felt a little unsafe when the airport had been so deserted, so when we entered the airport we were happy to see that the waiting areas were in fact full. Nevertheless, when Ross got up to use the bathroom, he paused at the door to suspiciously look in all directions and down an adjacent hallway. (He also wiped his brow in relief a few minutes later, when he emerged from the bathroom unscathed.)

Vilas FINALLY arrived, and Mama’s tour of Pittsburgh on the way home included factoids such as, “There’s a bridge coming up—oh, not a bridge, I mean, but a tunnel.” So of course Ross and Vilas enthusiastically misidentified every bridge and tunnel we passed.

When we reached the house, it was time to do a few “dry runs” (heh heh) with our water guns on the back porch. This involved Ross walking up behind Mama and poofing out her hair with his Arctic Blast as she was trying to tell us about the deer in the back yard, and Vilas showing off the laser feature on the SuperSoaker he brought (a focused red dot at close range, to really help you zero in on your target; at a distance, a general red glow that announced, “Attention enemies! Here I am!”) Eventually, Mama bid us goodnight with the following exchange:

Mama: I’m so glad you stupid boys are here.

Vilas: Duuuuurrrrr!

Friday:

I have a vague recollection of waking up to Vilas throwing his arm over me, hearing an indignant “I’m getting’ nothin’!” and falling back asleep. But once we were all awake, Mama wasted no time teaching the boys how to shoot the BB gun off the back deck. She also kept telling us we should go to the parks near the house—apparently there was more than one, and they were right next to each other, so we just started calling it “Million Parks Park.” We played catch and hit softballs around for a while. During my turn as pitcher, I threw one that soared far above Vilas’s head, prompting Ross to shout, “Swing, Gigantor!” After softball, we played on the swings and cavalierly went down the slide head-first (I got a friction burn on my wrist, but that’s just one of the hazards of living life on the edge).

When we got home, we gathered around the table for a BBQ dinner. More specifically, Ross and Vilas gathered around ME—being the last to sit down, I got to sit in the folding chair at the corner of the table, and was slowly squeezed out from either side. We also had insightful discussions such as:

Mama: Women are better at multitasking.

Vilas: Sorry, what? I was busy chewing.

Other than that, we were excitedly preparing for Kristin and Xavier’s arrival. At one point, Mama joined Vilas and Ross in the basement and, hand on hip, mused, “You know what I am….?” Ross guessed, “a teapot?” But Mama was too busy completing the sentence in her head to confirm whether Ross had guessed correctly.

We picked up Kristin and Xavier around midnight, and after an exciting demo of the SuperSoakers, we all headed off the bed to rest up for Soakfest 2007.

Saturday:

I remembered how much I’d missed Kristin when she told me about a recent work incident in which someone on the phone promised to ship her something that would arrive in what sounded to Kristin like “5 million days.” Apparently the conversation when something like this:

Kristin: Isn’t that a long time?

Man on phone: It’s pretty standard. So you should have it sometime next week.

Kristin: Wait—how long did you say it would take?

Man: 5 mailing days.

Kristin: OH! I thought you said 5 million days. I was worried my office might not even be at this address any more!

Man: You wouldn’t even be alive in 5 million days.

Kristin: How many years is that?

Man: I dunno, you do the math.

Kristin: Can you? Because clearly, I can’t…

In other news, Soakfest 2007 was a resounding success—like a bloodbath, but with water.

Kristin and I pretty much got drenched, despite Mama coming to our defense with the garden hose (a maneuver which, unfortunately, backfired).

A contributing factor to our demise may have been brilliant ideas like Kristin announcing, “Hey guys, there’s a wasp on the hose, come help me get it off.” Of course I was the only one who didn’t recognize this as an intended trap, and bounded down to help out my teammate. Since there really was a wasp on the hose, Xavier reluctantly made his way down to help Kristin refill her gun. As soon as Xavier got rid of the wasp and turned the knob, Kristin defiantly pointed the hose at him. Water trickled out for a second before Xavier casually turned the knob back off.

After all our hard work on the battlefield, we relaxed for the rest of the evening. Exciting highlights included me wandering into my bedroom, grabbing something, turning around to exit and nearly bumping into Ross, who was wandering around looking for something to do. He announced jokingly, “Just thought I’d follow you in here!” and started shadowing me as I walked back down the hall, annoyingly asking, “Where we goin’ now, Jessi?”

Vilas and Ross also entertained themselves with such pasttimes as hiding Mama’s cigarettes and adding paprika to her coke when she wasn’t looking.

Sunday:

We met up with Kristin’s cousin for brunch in Pittsburgh, which brought our number of excursions into Pittsburgh to a grand total of one. As we were piling into the car, Xavi looked at Kristin and exclaimed, “Goober!” We congratulated Kristin on making sure he knows all the important English vocab.

During brunch, I made the mistake of leaving my drink unattended when I went to the bathroom, and came back to sip and immediately spit out Equal-sweetened water. I had to ask the waitress for a new water—she seemed concerned and asked what was wrong with my near-full glass, so I explained that I frequently befriend morons.

After brunch, we took Kristin and Xavi to the airport and returned home to hang out with the ‘rents and watch the MST3K movie “Space Mutiny,” which was AWESOME.

Monday:

Monday morning, Mama drove us to the airport, and to repay her kindness we conversed only in “mrmr” talk, substituting r’s for all our vowels (this was inspired by an incident in Guatemala in which Mama, Ross and I were eating together, and Mama, addressing me with her mouth full, pronounced “Baby” as “Brrrby”). We also were not at all annoying in repeatedly pronouncing the “burgh” in Pittsburgh like “Edinburgh.” (“Well Mama, thanks for inviting us to Pittsburrah!”) At the airport, when Mama hugged us goodbye, Ross picked her up and then handed her to me, up on the curb, saying, “here, take this.” But Ross and Vilas did leave their mark on Pittsburrah, in the form of one cigarette that has not yet been found….

Also, it should be noted that Mrmr talk seeped into official language on Monday, when Ross told the security officer, "Hrrr yrr gr," as he handed her his ID and boarding pass, and said "thrnks" when she waved him on…..like the true grntlrmrn that he is.

Naples

Naples Highlights

April 26-30, 2007

Thursday

• Ross, Vilas and I arrive, rent the car, drive around looking for food, drive back to the airport for Vivek.
• In a near-empty airport parking lot, Ross awkwardly parks the car in the space directly in front of another car.

• We go inside to eat at the airport Chili's, where Vivek meets us.
• Back at the car, Ross and Vilas get in the front seats; I get in the back and shove my backpack across Vivek's side before he gets in, and say "sorry, no room back here Vivek, I'm sure you can just take a cab or something."
• Vivek puts my bag on the pavement outside the car, closes the door and says "OK! Let's go."
• Ross starts to pull out. Vivek says "wait, wait, wait," and opens the door, grabs my bag, repositions it on the pavement, and says "OK, now you can go."
• Target run, during which Vivek keeps appearing as a blur whizzing past the ends of aisles riding on the shopping cart. Being a gentleman, he gives me a ride as well.
• Ross, upon finding Vilas in the fruit snacks aisle at Target, says "Aha, I knew I'd find you in the fruit section!"
• Packing the trunk of the car with our Target goodies, we sing the Tetris theme, and Ross says "this bottom layer should have disappeared by now!"
• Off to McDonald's for dessert while we kill time waiting for my lost checked luggage to arrive.
• As we are leaving McDonald's, something prompts me to say "you never know" in what revisionist historians will later recall as a shrill, creepy voice.
• Back to the airport to get my bag.
• Condo time! We play Guess Who: ASH Edition and watch TV and then I pass out, while the boys go to the pool (and then come back to put up a hideous 5th grade photo of me as my Facebook profile picture, which I don't discover until Sunday night).

Friday

• Pool it up at the clubhouse
• Airport to pick up G-man
• BBQ
• Guess Who

• G introduces us to some lethal Chinese drinking games involving dice (the shot glass game and the beer-pong-with-dice game)

• Play a few rounds of Asshole, in which Vivek tries to sound ghetto by pronouncing "queen" as "qui-zeen" and realizing it just sounds like he admires the food.At one point during his Asshole presidency, Gaurav orders Ross to “drink for being happy!” I ALMOST get away with pretending to have finished my can of beer.Hey, it wasn’t MY fault I had to clear cups 2-5 in Gaurav’s stupid dice game.

The Menon brothers play drinking games AND prevent the walls from collapsing on us!







Trash-talking during the drinking games:
G: You guys are drinking really slowly
Vivek: Slower than YOU!
G and Ross: Yeah, that's kinda the problem....

• Take the party to the clubhouse at 3AM for pool and hot tub time! We play broachball, which is enhanced by the naming of the five positions: Air Horn, Twitch, Shorts, Army Knife and Sneaker. We show solidarity by harmonizing while singing the names of our positions.
• New expressions evolve as balls are dropped:
• Vilas-"I Erinned it up royally."
• Ross-"I Erinned it up big-wise."

Saturday

Vilas and I are so close, we shop in each other's closets!

• Waffle House: As Gaurav is paying, he replies to Vivek's Borat quote by saying "King in the Castle!" while looking directly at the waiter and handing him the bill.
• BEACH TIME featuring:
• Tossing the ball around in the water

• Building sandcastles (Queen Erinn sandcastle and the satellite, Turd Island)

• Throwing clumps of wet sand on Jessi when she asks if she can help build the sandcastle
• W^2--Water Whomping (a group effort of Ross carrying me into the cold water and plopping me down, and abandoning me to resume his sandcastle building, followed by Vivek and Gaurav tossing me back and forth to one another while making circus noises and saying things like "and now for the reverse corkscrew!" before spinning and hurtling me into the water)
• The W^2 is not entirely without educational merit, since G and Vivek show me how to trip a person underwater

• Dairy Queen (I make the mistake of telling Ross that my brother used to annoy me when we were kids by singing "A Blizzard, A Blizzard, A Blizzard, A Blizzard" in reference to Dairy Queen; Ross repeatedly sings this, and even worse, later we all end up singing it in a round)
• Cracklin' Jacks: We find out some Dolphins player is eating a couple tables away from us, and Gaurav mentions, "it's like looking in a mirror.” Meanwhile Vilas says shhhhhh to the hush puppies. When I go to put on my “jacket,” I realize I’ve carried in two pairs of black pajama shorts instead (Vilas later wears a pair in the car "for warmth").

• Coldstone (on our way there, G air-high fives the hand on the "don't walk" street light).
• Vivek and Gaurav make fun of my dog tshirt that has a closeup of the puppy's head, saying that if I were a dog that would be me, without it being a in a weird perspective; Ross randomly starts nudging me with his head and making cat noises, prompting questions such as, “Who are you, Kristin?”
• Hot Fuzz—excellent movie
• During previews
• Vivek: (reading "fathomevents") "FAT HOME EVENTS?"
• Jessi: (viewing "please silence your cell phones now" message) "Please silence your Viveks now?"
• When sound goes nearly mute during the ad for The Matrix on DVD, the "coming in Dolby surround sound" and "check out our new sound" messages become ironic.
• Back at the condo, we watch some Ali G DVDs for the Borat skits, then watch the Extras episode with Patrick Stewart ("But I've seen everything!")

Sunday

• Broachball in the pool

• Pool diving caution signs (silhouette of woman diving)--"no hand shadow puppets," "no A-cups"
• Outback for late lunch/early dinner; signing the cheesy Hallmark cards we got for the ASH who are teachers retiring--Nicastro, Van der Jagt, McGuire—and putting our analysis notes in the margin of the poem on Nicastro’s card
• Vilas speaks in German and pseudo-German after reading Gaurav's "MIT Sloan" shirt as “Mit Sloan!”
• Take G and Vivek to airport (good riddance!)
• Ross, Vilas and I watch TV at the condo, play Guess Who, and go out for Wings to celebrate the departure of the "dead weight"
• Vilas tells me "JD, you're carrying a lot of tension in that bra strap--want me to loosen it for you?"
• Ross, Vilas and I are blown away by the sheer brilliance that is encapsulated in the movie "Funky Monkey". Of course, we also play Scan and Guess Who.

Other random stuff:

• Playing the Chinatown toy, and singing it in a round ("dad don't mind," "I don't lie," and instrumental versions all accepted)
• Cheering by doing Jen's army waving/clicking thing
• Superhero friends and their strengths, weaknesses and battle cries (e.g., Mama's "I'm fixin' to srve the day!")
• Vilas: "Oh, water....drowner of children...."
• Top Guess Who questions:
• If this person were a food, would they taste bitter?
• Was this person's dad an asshole?
• Does this person think they're cooler than they are?
• If this person were on a billboard, would the caption be WTF?
• If this person were a piece of something, would it be shit?
• If this person were a dog, would they be a bitch?
• Has Gaurav's mom made fun of this person?

Also, as a lasting legacy, we offer this broachball instructional guide:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blTVKjKG4xM

Superhero Spotlight : Jabes Mond

So, in honour of Prick/Slut Day (a wondrous day, still less-than-24-hours fresh in our minds), here is the kick-off entry of our Superheroes series. The origin of this idea is lost in the mists of time, but that is no reason not to enjoy the joy of examining our superhero alter-egos.

And, who better to inaugurate this with than our own belated b-day boy Diego? So, here it is : entry #1 in a glorious series to come.


BASIC STATS

Name : Jabes Mond
Birthplace : Somewhere between Washington DC and Alma-ata
Weapon : Genero-gun
Kryptonite : Chupa Chups
Battle cry : "Oh aye!"
Alliances/Affiliations : Zoo Alliance (with "The Absorber")
Archnemesis : The Scorpion


ATTRIBUTES

All roads lead to...a die in a cup?

Based on the sheer quantity of photographic evidence, an outsider would conclude that 90% of our time in Naples was spent playing Beer Die. This outsider would not necessarily be wrong. Spending hours around a table watching each other throw little red dice invariably leads to the identification of personal throwing styles - everyone has their own flair. For those of you who are unable to back-substitute movies from still shots (i.e. unimaginative losers), here are some key points to know about the five playing styles.

Gbat
As the teacher of the game, G clearly has some experience. Notice the beautiful extension and the body weight shifted forward. If the table were glass, you would no doubt see that G is on the balls of his feet, ensuring that his follow through is clean. Also, if the table were glass, it would have been broken hours ago. Unbreak this glaaassssssss...say you'll be whole agaaaaain...

Loos
In contrast to G (and Diggity), Loos generates pace from the wrist (make limp-wristed jokes as you please), as opposed to the shoulder. The follow through is not quite as expansive and graceful, but the compact nature of the throw allows him to play in tight situations, if necessary (e.g. underneath or next to JD's enormous noggin). Also, unlike everyone else, Loos appears to be watching his hand release the die, instead of focusing on the opponent's cup. It's about as effective as looking straight up while shooting a basketball (which Loos, in fact, may or may not also do).

Diggity
If you thought G's extension was scintillating, you ain't seen nothing yet. Putting G's high-arm follow through to shame, Diggity puts his weight backward (somewhat unorthodox) and compensates by achieving a full body stretch with every shot. You can almost hear his spine popping. Also, whereas everyone else's expressions are either nonchalant or involve some form of lip-biting, Diggity's eyes are pure intensity - the goal is sighted, and nothing can stop the man. Except for a low-hanging chandelier, perhaps.

Roscolian
Rosco's throwing style is dominated by the unique configuration of his hands. He achieves a decent level of extension on the arm, generating the rest of the momentum by leaning forward. Once the die has been released, Rosco keeps his right hand in an odd "Hey, how's it going" style, essentially greeting the die into the cup. His left hand, meanwhile, is modulating the air pressure by turning an invisible knob. Not something you see everyday, folks.

Dizzle
Last and least, we have the unexpected MVP of the game. Years of softball and sorority parties have honed Dizzle's talent to such a level that she can sink the die without even the slightest appearance of effort. Unlike the dudes, she throws underhand, her body is perfectly straight and her throwing hand barely moves (her follow through is even less apparent than Loos'). She basically looks like she is inspecting her nails - ho hum...PLOP...other team drinks. Also, note from her expression that she is probably spacing out, perhaps moving to another dimension where she can warp space-time to ensure that her throw is true.


Playing styles reveal a lot about people's character, such as athleticism, laziness, showmanship, friendliness, and total nonchalance (characteristics listed in order).

How do you play?

Re : April Madness - Loos' Bracket

Rosco and I are of similar minds on the matchups in the "Big Foot-in-Mouth-Dance." There are a few differences, however, as outlined below. In the interest of not repeating what Rosco so eloquently outlined, I am restricting the descriptions to the major upsets.

FRIENDLY FIFTEEN

Madison (8) def Art (4) (ASH regional)
E-mail thread-ending Borat quotes defeat an MIA competitor anyday.
Art, I think you've deliberately refrained from providing us with good material, just so lesser competitors can have a chance.

James (4) merges with Swathi (7) (Preschool regional)
"...." meets "...."
Too polite (and devious) to engage in competitive battles, James and Swathi join forces, and Swames emerges from the ashes.

(IN)ELEGANT EIGHT

No upsets in this round...all hail the seeding committee.

FLAKY FOUR

After an upset-free round, both matchups in the Flaky Four end in shocking results. Both top seeds are shown the door by two scintillating competitors.

O'Carthy (2) def Ronestar (1) (ASH Regional)
Although Ronestar has provided us with many, many noteworthy performances, Erinn's sheer distilled bursts of brilliance, displayed in brief moments, systematically outdo all of Roni's achievements. Stroke faces beat tpyos. "Slow on the uptake" beats "she's tied up." Nana Erinn beats butt fetish. "Why NOT to Online Date" beats "Sluggabed Checks In." Also, given the more sporadic nature of the contact Erinn has with me (as opposed to my access to a more steady stream of Roniisms), I am all the more wowed by the quality of Erinn's work. One can only imagine how dominant she would be, given more exposure.

Michedan (2) def JD (1) (Preschool Regional)
Giant-killer Michedan ekes out a victory against perennial champion Dizzle, in an earth-shattering victory. An offense consisting of misinterpreted song lyrics and spazeriffic behaviour overcomes a defense made up of innumerable quotes amassed over the years. The Queen is dead. Long live the new Queen.

TERMINAL TWO

O'Carthy (2) def Michedan (2)
Not an upset per se, but worthy of mention. Sadly, these two have only met head-to-head once in full public, namely in DC during 2004. There, the dominance of Erinn was clearly apparent, as Michedan was still in training. However, the gap between the two was insurmountable and, in my book, the undisputed champion is O'Carthy. Well played, Erinn, well played.

Re: April Madness - Charles' Bracket

I would first like to thank the Competition Selection Committee, Mr. Loos, for including the fine team of Charles into the bracket. We look forward to the heat of competition.

Now, I will guide you through my thought process to select a winner...

The ASH Regional (The Friendly Fifteen)

Ronestar beats Loos in a rout - 98 - 53: The Lone Star Lexiconographer destroys the Silent Assassin. Loos didn't even see it coming.

K-Nel beats Browning in a nail-biter - 73 - 69: The battle of the late e-mailers ends in a close battle to the finish, quite appropriately late. K-Nel's great late announcements push her over the edge and into the second round to face Ronestar.

Madison beats Art in an upset - 48 - 13: Madison trips his way into the second round as Art finds a way to not show up to the competition, he must not have gotten his invitation.

O'Carthy beats Charles in overtime - 101 - 97: The highest score in the first round provides the most exciting matchup to this point. The New Jersey Devil puts the game away with her uncanny ability to be heard.

The Preschool Regional (The Friendly Fifteen)

Michedan hits a late 3 to seal the victory over Lukerson - 64 - 62: In a clutch performance, Michedan supported the committee's decision to seed her #2, as she takes out a valiant effort by Lukerson and his ass.

James outdoes Swathi, and in doing, is sleeping on the couch - 59 - 51: In a tough cage-match of animal and nature ignorance, James showed he was too powerful as a drunk, and Swathi's defense collapsed under the pressure. Oh-aye.

Kribble outlasts Slant-Tran - 66 - 48: Slant-Tran provides proof of her offensive issues, as she shoots a COLD 5/15 from the arc. Kribble keeps pounding it down low for high percentage shots.

In even a game JD couldn't lose - JD beats the bye schedule and continues onto the next round. Despite not having a team to play against, she scores 105 points.

The ASH Regional (The (in)Elegant Eight)

Ronestar lashes K-Nel in a fight of the lank - 92 - 78: Ronestar, showing her consistency, puts up more big numbers on a great opponent, proving her worth to move on and scare the copmtetion.

O'Carthy blows away Madison - 90 - 53: Proving that Madison shouldn't have gone as far as he did, he was overmatched in the second round, as nothing can silence a thunderous O'Carthy side.

The Preschool Regional (The (in)Elegant Eight)

Michedan shows James the door - 99 - 64: In a blowout, the University of Swames Fighting Scorpions go home after not being able to shut down Michedan's explosive and constantly moving offense.

JD pushes themselves into the Four, beating Kribble - 92 - 81: JD shows her championship heritage as her Zone Out defense creates havoc for Kribble's low post offense.

The Flaky Four

Ronestar quiets O'Carthy - 88 - 71: In a dominant performance, Ronestar tower over O'Carthy, matching them basket for basket and not allowing O'Carthy to get into the paint.

Michedan upsets defending champion JD - 96 - 93 OT: IN overtime, Michedan hits the three that shocks the world, knocking JD, perennial champion, out of the competition. Michedan does all the little things to win, and JD's patented defense is proved porous.

The Champeenship

Ronestar proves too much scoring mettle, defeating Michedan in a marvelous final - 103 - 93: Michedan's small lineup doesn't prove quick enough as Ronestar blocks all passing lanes, and relying on quick hands and defense to convert all turnovers into easy buckets.

It's been a great season. And congratulations to the Champeen, Ronestar.

April Madness

Years ago, all the world was abuzz at the idea of a "Competition," where star players would be ranked based on the unintended brilliance of their comments. The final standings were decided by a cloaked panel of judges, whose secret ballots were tallied to yield the eagerly awaited results.

This system, much like the BCS, had its merits. However, also like the BCS, it had its detractors - some of the competitors themselves felt the secret voting system was biased towards the star players, and some of the star players (gracious winners that they were) acknowledged and even supported these claims.

To democratize the system, therefore, this entry is proposing a trial run of a playoff system. Much like calls for the BCS to adopt a "Big Dance"-type playoff system to determine ultimately the finest competitors, this involves creating a bracket to determine which of us, indeed, is best capable of consistently delivering unintentional hilarity. So, without further ado, here is the bracket. Seedings were based on a combination of competitors' previous performances and a randomizing scheme.




Now, here's the plan : soon, I will post my predictions, along with some elementary reasoning as to why the matchups will proceed as I've outlined. All you other readers are free to do the same. There's no guarantee that this format will indeed take over the Competition (actually, it won't), so ultimately this is just an exercise in fun.

Enjoy.

Forever a Beautiful Song...

Once in a great while, a song comes along that steals your soul.

Well, this isn't one of those songs, but, in fact, the subject of the song is about stealing souls...with eyes...like cold black holes...forever sucking you in...until...

...nothing.

But first, I would like to draw your attention to the inspiration for this great sing-a-long song (so well choreographed by Vilas, the truest partner in crime one could have): Abba's "Angel Eyes."

Take a look, won't you?

Okay. So that's how you perform the song if you are a Swedish quartet with big blouses. Now, I would like to turn your attention to a much more melancholy version, from The Czars (I can't explain why I think this is a great song, period.)
Okay. It is with that muse that Vilas and I present you with...

SWATHI-EYES (the lyrics - although, if anyone can sing out there and would like to record yourself to be played by the billions that read this site, please feel free to step forward, cough, JD, cough):
Last night, I was walking along the Potomac,
When I saw her together with a young James.
And the look that they gave me made me shiver,
'Cause they used to look at everyone that way.
And I thought maybe I should run the hell away.
Ooh-oh-aye, dunno why the hell I stayed.

Look into her Swathi-Eyes
One look and you're hypnotized.
She'll steal your soul and you will pay the price.
Look into her Swathi-Eyes
You'll think scorpions are mice.
And one day you'll find out she wears a disguise.
Don't look too deep into those Swathi-Eyes.
Oh no no no no

Ooh-oh-aye, oh-aye
Ooh-oh-aye, oh-aye

Ooh-ooh-aye, keep thinking 'bout her Swathi-Eyes
I keep thinking, oh-aye.

Sometimes when she's not there, I sit and think about her,
And it haunts me to remember those cold eyes.
When I thought I could never see right through her
And I wonder does it have to be the same
Every time when she sees me, will she vaporize my brain?
Ooh-oh-aye, how can I forget St. Swames?

Look into her Swathi-Eyes
One look and you're paralyzed.
She'll steal your soul and you will pay the price.
Look into her Swathi-Eyes
You'll think scorpions are mice.
And one day you'll find out she wears a disguise.
Don't look too deep into those Swathi-Eyes.
Shaken by those Swathi-Eyes.
Swathi-Eyes
Once she stole my soul and now I pay the price.
Look into her Swathi-Eyes
You'll think scorpions are mice.
And one day you'll find out she wears a disguise.
Don't look too deep into those Swathi-Eyes.
Oh no no no no

Ooh-oh-aye, oh-aye
Ooh-oh-aye, oh-aye

Ooh-oh-aye, keep shaking, oh-aye
Keep shaking 'bout her Swathi-Eyes.
Ooh-oh-aye, keep shaking, oh-aye
Keep shaking, I had to pay the price.

There you have it, another CMB original masterpiece, without the original part, that is.

So, here's to Swathi, and hoping that I am not in her laser-guided sights anytime in the near future.
Oh, aye.

Sweet Home Evanston

The Invasion of Chicago having been completed (and almost perfectly timed with the Sack of Chicago on the football field), those of us who survived (Sharon and I) can look back at the ruins and reminisce about that glorious weekend. Lists are fun, but numbered lists can get a little boring, so this recap takes the form of an acrostic. Without further ado, here are some memories that continue to waft in the heads of those still remaining in Chi-town.

Siesta Sack
Word of the Siesta Sack spread like wildfire even before the horde arrived. One of Graham's best investments of all time, the Sack welcomed its share of buttocks, putting even Roni's butt-fetish to shame. The calling of the Sack began (apparently) as soon as the out-of-towners arrived, and Vivek was lucky enough to claim it the first night, after kicking Roni and Jen out. However, the Sack is a proud and intelligent piece of furniture. It exacts its revenge gradually over the course of the night, trapping body heat and warming up, ultimately making the sleeper wake up in discomfort after a few hours. Vivek succumbed to its wiles the first night. Still, it remained the most popular piece of furniture in the apartment for the weekend.

Ross is clearly winning in the battle for the Sack

Poker
This was the tamest group trip ever - lots of beer was purchased for lots of drinking games, but very little was consumed. And, in true sacrilegious spirit, not a single game of Oreo poker was played. Although many Double and Quadruple-Stuf Oreos were eaten, none of them were reluctantly given, as is usually the case, to Rosco after his obligatory revelation of a two pair hand. Rousing games of thirty-one, crazy eights, and asshole did take place, but with very little drunkenness. Blame it on the cold, fatigue, or the teetotaling host, whichever you prefer.

The ratio of rum to Oreos should be 1:2

Awful Fashion
During the weekend, everyone did their best to emulate the Pillsbury Doughboy (Hoohoo). Ross and JD, perhaps, were the best, with their six and five layer ensembles respectively. Fortunately, as Rosco put it, we didn't stick out too much, given the average BMI of the majority of midwesterners around us. Hey, when it's cold, you insulate however you can (segue alert).

This was an example of the BEST ensemble of the weekend. Hot hot hot.

Zero degree weather
Closely tied to the previous entry, the average temperature on Sunday hovered around 10 degrees Fahrenheit. Although the weather on Saturday was quite obliging, allowing for some football throwing and plenty of Chicago-wandering, Mama Nature bit back hard on Sunday, resulting in the aforementioned horde of Doughboys running around.

Millennium Park
Most of Saturday afternoon and evening was spent at Millennium Park. Highlights included:

Vivek and Rosco challenging themselves to navigate the park by only using non-traditional walkways (grass, banisters, benches, bike racks, anything that was not ground-level concrete).

Rosco discovers an invisible tightrope

Roni and Jen taking "ice skating" pictures of themselves with their reflections from the Bean.

Objects in the rearview mirror may appear more graceful than they are.

Roni imitating a set of conjoined twins, with the help of the Bean.

Surgery of this nature would involve an acetylene torch

JD's fancy new hairstyle at Caribou Coffee, and Vivek's seriousness as a coiffeur.

My masterpiece - she are complete!

Vivek's mind-meld with a bear's head.

Chicago's version of the Minotaur.

The Merkeys (or "Dogballs," as they are affectionately known) guiding us to the secret hidden rink on the far side of the park.

Being denied twice in our quest to ice skate - first by a daunting 40 minute wait in the cold, and then by a private party occupying the second, Merkey-guided rink.

Some people being completely unable to read the forty-foot lit "Go Bears" sign on one of the skyscrapers surrounding the park.

On the El
We spent perhaps more time on the El than in any other single location this weekend. Thanks to the super-slow Red Line, trips downtown took about an hour, which translated to an average of 11 miles an hour. However, the soothing cadences of the train were enough to lull Michedan to sleep, much to everyone else's amusement.

Aw look, it's asleep!

Also, Rosco and JD decided the train was such fun that Vivek would want to spend the rest of his life on it - the two rascals turned their plan into action by tying Vivek's jacket hood to the back of the train seat. Vivek extricated himself about fifteen seconds later, smashing his perceived status as an El-lover.

He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Chicago

In round two (Sunday), some of us braved the El again to meet up with Cody (or Jay, as I quickly learned) in Lakeview. After visiting Cody's apartment, we gained a newfound appreciation for the El when it rescued us from the biting cold and nestled us in its warm bosom.

Tell me you can get this
Saturday's travels were capped off by a deep-dish orgy at Giordano's in Evanston. However, the pizza was upstaged by a simple game, and more importantly, Jentard's reaction to the game. Ever the brunt of jokes this weekend, Jen good-naturedly took another one to the chin : when she mistakenly went to the restroom, everyone else there was quickly filled in on the rules of the game. An hour later, the frustrated Michedan finally realized how the snapping game worked. However, as we found out the next day, when she spelled out "Takaa" for "Tokyo," there was still some latent incomprehension. Also, Roni stayed true to form when trying to list the capital of a country beginning with "Ire" : "Tel Aviv," not "Dublin," is clearly the right answer.

Actually, they are pretty similar, come to think of it.

Rabbit
A brief moment, but deserving of its own mention, was the hideous rabbit-filled bag prominently displayed by a Midwestern Matron at Caribou Coffee. JD served as the decoy model in order to obtain photographic evidence.

Watership Down meets Kate Spade (click on the image for gory detail)

Over? I don't even know her!
A repeated joke amusing to at most two people from the ASH crowd (whose names begin with R and V and end in 'oss' and 'ilas.' That's right - Voss and Rilas). The goal was to take this joke as far as possible, including finding gems like "interim? he's not even dead!" and "Alabama? I just met'a!" Of the Evanston crew, Graham was decidedly unamused, whereas Hoho took a shine to the stellar joke.

"Ning"
The "Ning" sound was representative of the now-standard array of new nonsense sounds and phrases that emerges every trip (past favourites include "Jaaassaaay" and "Hyuk hyuk"). In no particular order, here are some of the best phrases thrown around:
"Ning" - Vivek explained how the elevator in his apartment building tries to seduce each floor by emitting a weak, nasal bell sound that is best approximated by a closed-throat, nose-heavy "ning." Spannng (which can also be said in the same tone, by the way) is apparently the expert at producing this noise.
"Heeenh-heeenh" - The heavy, nasal (sense a theme?) breathing expounded by JD and Rosco at various points throughout the trip. It's only a step away from the "braceface" accent.
"Oh-aye" - Pioneered by James, this odd saying proliferated rapidly amongst the crowd.
"Well well well" - Two renditions, a rising tone version by James, and a rapid-fire one by Swathi, were introduced by the ambassadors of sound, JD and Ross.

And there you have it, a brief rundown of events in the great town of Chi. Michedan, having been constantly teased and threatened with phantom initiations, proved herself capable of handling everything Holland could toss at her. JD breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that the hammer would no longer fall on her. As for the rest, we were just happy to be there.

Naples Ho!